The S&M Rants

Update: Originally the feed picked up only the *ringtone* for this episode - it should have the full episode (33 minutes+) there now.

--Show Description:--

How shall you win your love back?  What plan will get her back in your arms forever? You can't say you've tried everything unless you've burned down her brother's property or staged beng kidnapped by a gang!

Tip: in the world of FTs you are awarded bonus points for originality and drama! 

We're excited to have Adam Hiniker and Vance Barber from the Ear Candy podcast as our Guest Judges for this episode, to analyse these specimens and determine our "FT of the Week".

Plus: A man fails his exam because of a cat. (Who hasn't been there...) 

And we have your new ringtone...  

• Follow Ear Candy  on Twitter (@earcandynewyork) and Facebook.  (Vance Barber's also on Twitter as @vancejbarber)
• There's more bad romance on Episode 29 "Better Relationships Through Arrests and the KKK!" with Alex Falcone and Ezra Fox of "Read it and Weep". 

• SUBSCRIBE!
• Rate and Review us on iTunes (remember: every positive review you give us makes us bolder and more powerful!)
• (Use any podcast service to subscribe - feed is here).  

We're on Stitcher Now: 

http://stitcher.com/listen.php?fid=19756 
So you can now listen anyway you darn well please! :)

GET MORE FTs! On:
Twitter: @rantmehard 
Facebook: Facebook.com/sandmrants 

CONTACT/FIND US:
Voicemail line: via Skype: rantmehard Rant us! Good and hard!  
Email: info @ rantmehard.com  (or shane@ or monica@ rantmehard.com )
Shane Birley: Shanesworld.ca (@ShaneBee on Twitter ) 
Monica Hamburg: YourDoseofLunacy.com (@MonicaHamburg on Twitter)  

Tell your inappropriate friends about us: rantmehard.com.   
Our Google+ Page: gplus.to/sandmrants 

You can place your VOTE!
For your choice for "FT of the Week". 
(You are also welcome to comment about them on Twitter, Facebook, via email etc.)

Once again, we have some ethical dilemmas...

If you run over someone with your car what's the protocol? Get out and help him or provide some religious insight? And if someone's advances are making you consistently uncomfortable should you report him to the police or murder him and go gambling with the body in the trunk?

Remember: you never choose the obvious when you go full FT.

We're thankful that Pat and Rob from the comedy podcast, "Somebody and Me" are here as our Guest Judges to provide some insight and decide the "FT of the Week".

Plus: We envision a fake doctor call. 

• Follow Somebody and Me  on Twitter (@SomebodyFunny) and on Facebook   
• Was this your first time listening to "The S&M Rants"? You might want to try Episode 35 next. 
• There are more odd dillemas way back on Episode 20 with Sara Bynoe " 20 ("Hang Out With A Dead Body, Hide Your Pron, The Fake Hitman Cometh!" with Sara Bynoe). 

• SUBSCRIBE!
• Rate and Review us on iTunes (remember: you are special. And we love you!)
• (Use any podcast service to subscribe - feed is here).  

We're on Stitcher Now: 

http://stitcher.com/listen.php?fid=19756 
So you can now listen anyway you darn well please! :)

GET MORE FTs! On:
Twitter: @rantmehard 
Facebook: Facebook.com/sandmrants 

CONTACT/FIND US:
Voicemail line: via Skype: rantmehard Rant us! Good and hard!  
Email: info @ rantmehard.com  (or shane@ or monica@ rantmehard.com )
Shane Birley: Shanesworld.ca (@ShaneBee on Twitter ) 
Monica Hamburg: YourDoseofLunacy.com (@MonicaHamburg on Twitter)  

Tell your inappropriate friends about us: rantmehard.com.   
Our Google+ Page: gplus.to/sandmrants 

You can place your VOTE!
For your choice for "FT of the Week". 
(You are also welcome to comment about them on Twitter, Facebook, via email etc.)

(A quick disclaimer here: I had to do a pretty quick edit on this episode due to time-constaints - so if it's your first time listening to the podcast, try starting with, say, Episode 34, 29 or 35.)

Stab yourself repeatedly over a customer service incident? Or concoct a murder-for-money scheme that involved electrocuting a cat? If you can't envision yourself doing either, then you're bound to be as completely baffled by our competitors and their plans as we are...  

And, so, to determine our "FT of the Week", we are grateful to have Bruce M Campbell who returns to lend his brilliance and wit to the show as our Guest Judge.

Plus: we have an erotic story that is neither erotic nor a story.  What it is, however, is completely WTF?! 

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• Follow Bruce Campbell on Twitter and Facebook. 
• Some other bad plans you might enjoy:  A woman who faked her rape to move to a better neighborhood (Episode 31 with Jay Larson and "The Lurker") and a man who had some unique ideas (like framing a bear) for how to murder his girlfriend (Episode 28 with Eric Fell).   

GET MORE FTs! On:
Twitter: @rantmehard 
Facebook: Facebook.com/sandmrants 

CONTACT/FIND US:
Voicemail line: via Skype: rantmehard Rant us! Good and hard!  
Email: info @ rantmehard.com  (or shane@ or monica@ rantmehard.com )
Shane Birley: Shanesworld.ca (@ShaneBee on Twitter ) 
Monica Hamburg: YourDoseofLunacy.com (@MonicaHamburg on Twitter)  

Tell your inappropriate friends about us: rantmehard.com.   
Our Google+ Page: gplus.to/sandmrants 

You can place your VOTE!
For your choice for "FT of the Week". 
(You are also welcome to comment about them on Twitter, Facebook, via email etc.) 

Women! They're so difficult to understand!  How can one possibly gage what seduction technique will work on them?  That's why it's important to confuse the ladies by having a completely unique approach.  This week's FTs redefine original.  One gives gals the choice of magazines or sex while another dresses in women's maternity gear to woo.  Foolproof!   

Monica desperately needs help to determine our "FT of Week" and so her mom returns to judge the FTness. 

And: we have some sexual hypnosis for you...   _____________________________________________________________________________________________________ 

• Related creeps you might like:  A man who went door-to-door checking breasts (Episode 27 - "Doctor Fondler and the Facebook Oral Prankster!" with Jackie Gold)) and a guy who tried to seduce kids - in his own apartment building (Episode 24 -"Get Oiled, Get Licked, Get Arrested, Get Shot Up the A!" with Brian Brushwood)    
• And we refer to our Eastern European porn proposal which is in Episode 34 "What's the answer? Get Naked! What's the question? Who cares!" 

 ________________________________________________________________________________________ 

MORE INSANITY:
Twitter: @rantmehard 
Facebook: Facebook.com/sandmrants 

CONTACT/FIND US:
Voicemail line: via Skype: rantmehard Rant us! Good and hard!  
Email: info @ rantmehard.com  (or shane@ or monica@ rantmehard.com )
Shane Birley: Shanesworld.ca (@ShaneBee on Twitter ) 
Monica Hamburg: YourDoseofLunacy.com (@MonicaHamburg on Twitter)  

Tell your inappropriate friends about us: rantmehard.com.   
Our Google+ Page: gplus.to/sandmrants 

So, you've been to jail.  That's pretty FTed in itself, but maybe you learned from the experience.  You're going to clean up your act, stay out of the slammer for the rest of your life.  Or you could commit a crime.  As soon as you get released. Right in the jail parking lot.  That's cool too... 

Vying for the title of "FT of the Week" we have a man who urinated and stole a car as he left the prison - and another guy who beat up his girlfriend, who had come to pick him up.   

We so desperately need help....  And we're grateful to have the wisdom of our awesome Guest Judge, Matt Koff who assists in sorting out the FTness. 

And we have another instance of condiment fury...  _____________________________________ 

• Matt Koff is also on Twitter (@matt_koff)  
• Haven't heard last week's episode (#35)? It has a special woman incensed over her a condiment slight...    
• I refer to two of my favorite podcasts in this episode, Distorted View and The New York City Crime Report with Pat Dixon (@nyccrimereport)
   

MORE INSANITY:
Twitter: @rantmehard 
Facebook: Facebook.com/sandmrants 

CONTACT/FIND US:
Voicemail line: via Skype: rantmehard Rant us! Good and hard!  
Email: info @ rantmehard.com  (or shane@ or monica@ rantmehard.com )
Shane Birley: Shanesworld.ca (@ShaneBee on Twitter ) 
Monica Hamburg: YourDoseofLunacy.com (@MonicaHamburg on Twitter)  

Tell your inappropriate friends about us: rantmehard.com.   
Our Google+ Page: gplus.to/sandmrants 

You don't get enough condiments with your burger order.  Or they raised the prices on your favorite fast-food meal.  Sure, you could just discuss your issue or accept the increase - but what would be the fun in that? Why not add some prison time to your frustration by going all "Falling Down" on them?   

We're stumped by the FTedness of these foodies.  Thankfully, Tom Reynolds and Tim Daniels of "The Complete Guide to Everything  are here to give us their sage judgement and determine our "FT of the Week". 

And we meet a very considerate family member. 

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• The Complete Guide for Everything is at tcgte.com and on Facebook  and Twitter (@complete guide).
• Find: Tom Reynolds on (@tomreynolds) and Tim Daniels (@yourpaltim).  
• Please vote for your choice for "FT of the Week" (Use the poll, comment, twitter us, Facebook us, email us etc.  Info and links below.) 
• More fast food irrationality can be found on Episode 26 "No Meat Equals Murder" where we talk about a man who's lack of meat... made him crazy! 

Tell your inappropriate friends about us: rantmehard.com.  

Twitter: @rantmehard 
Facebook: Facebook.com/sandmrants /
Voicemail line: via Skype: rantmehard Rant us! Good and hard!  
Email: info @ rantmehard.com  (or shane@ or monica@ rantmehard.com )
Shane Birley: Shanesworld.ca (@ShaneBee on Twitter ) 
Monica Hamburg: YourDoseofLunacy.com (@MonicaHamburg on Twitter)  

Our Google+ Page: gplus.to/sandmrants 

Did you know that showing your goods to someone else can improve your life?  What would you say if I told you that touching yourself would improve your vocal range?  Or that using sex toys in front of your doctor would help you feel better about your body? Would you say, "That sounds reasonable"?  Sure you would.

Trying to figure out the biggest FT of these is taking way too much out of us.  So we turn our Guest Judge, the great Glen Tickle of "Pretending to be on TV" who helps us determine our "FT of the Week". 

And: Monica reads a subtle, realistic script...
 

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• Watch Glen's show PretendingtoBeonTV.com which seems to not be on television.  Follow Glen on Twitter (@glentickle) and his show on Facebook. 
• Please vote for your choice for "FT of the Week" (Use the poll, comment, twitter us, Facebook us, email us etc.  Links below.)
   
• And if you're wondering where to find the "house-call doctor" we refer to in this episode, that's in #27 "Doctor Fondler and the Facebook Oral Prankster!". 

This is a special bonus feature.  Happy New Year! Enjoy this uber-plausible Family Ties/Home Improvement erotica. 

And, if you care for more hideous pseudo-sexiness:

• In Episode 19: A disturbing J-Lo story 
• In Episode 13: A tale with a beret (how can that be awful?) 
• In Episode 10: This Backstreat Boys... novel... which was billed as an erotic story but contains no sex 
• One with a celeb and gorilla lust .... 
• Memoir of the Massive Man Missile.  A tremendously well-written tale. 

Subscribe, please! And rate/review us on iTunes (Use any podcast service to subscribe - feed is here). 

Tell your inappropriate friends about us: rantmehard.com.  

Twitter: @rantmehard /
Facebook: Facebook.com/sandmrants / 
Voicemail line: via Skype: rantmehard Rant us! Good and hard!  / 
Email: info @ rantmehard.com  (or shane@ or monica@ rantmehard.com )/ 
Shane Birley: Shanesworld.ca (@ShaneBee on Twitter ) / 
Monica Hamburg: YourDoseofLunacy.com (@MonicaHamburg on Twitter)  

Our Google+ Page: gplus.to/sandmrants 

So you killed someone with your car or are shacked up with a 13 year old...  You need to keep this secret in the bag.  But sometimes circumstances just don't allow for that.  Especially when you're an FT.  

Lovely Guest Judge & Comedian Riel Hahn joins us to met out justice this time and help us crown the most recent "FT of the Week".  (Find Riel on Facebook, Twitter and her blog.) 

And: we tell you who you chose as last week's "FT of the Week".  Plus: a very linear blog comment... 

What's the etiquette for a romantic night at the movies? How are you supposed to comport yourself when attending a class about controlling your hostility?  Whose to know?  Not these FTs. It's impossible to figure out who has less impulse control here - but fortunately we have YOU! 

****** VOTE for your "favorite" FT from this episode! (via poll, commenting on this post, Facebook, Twitter, email etc. All contact info below.) Tell us who you think should be our "FT of the Week".  And, if possible, why you think they are deserving of that honor. We'll reveal the winner - and your input - on next week's show (Episode 33).**** 

And we have an invisible man and a painful site that needs support! 

Merry Christmas Y'all.   

Subscribe, please! And rate/review us on iTunes (Use any podcast service to subscribe - feed is here). 

Tell your inappropriate friends about us: rantmehard.com.  

Twitter: @rantmehard /
Facebook: Facebook.com/sandmrants / 
Voicemail line: via Skype: rantmehard Rant us! Good and hard!  / 
Email: info @ rantmehard.com  (or shane@ or monica@ rantmehard.com )/ 
Shane Birley: Shanesworld.ca (@ShaneBee on Twitter ) / 
Monica Hamburg: YourDoseofLunacy.com (@MonicaHamburg on Twitter)  

Our Google+ Page: gplus.to/sandmrants