The S&M Rants

Two more rules (for our Continuing Ed course on "Crime 101"): Don't call the cops on yourself, and assume that your victims won't be enthused about making a trade with you...

If this information surprises you - you may just be a FT!

Our Guest Judge this week is Comedian Chris Gore (of PodCRASH and many other things) and we could not be more relieved to have him sort out the FTedness for our "FT of the Week"!

Plus: a "straight", quick erotic story.  

And, after the outro, we have a fun ringtone for you...

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---Information and Links ---

• Find Chris Gore at ChrisGore.com, on Facebook (personal: Facebook.com/ThatChrisGore, page: http://www.facebook.com/ILikeChrisGore), and on Twitter (@ThatChrisGore) 
• Chris' podcast is PodCRASH! 
• His new stop-motion animated comedy series (about dolls who work at a dungeon) is FetishVIL (FetishVil.com/) (Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/FetishVIL, Twitter: (@FetishVIL) 

Other Joy

• Stories: Fire call and Trade 
• Thanks to Kevin Macleod at Incompetech.com for today’s outro theme (“Harlequin”). 
• The ringtone music (after outro) uses this sound from Freesound.org: "Dance Synth" by usinggarageband (Freesound.org/people/usinggarageband)  (Find the tone on our "Ringtone" page)
• Wondering what our intro - and the ringtone music is all about?  You'll find out on last week's (special and longer) episode: "Episode 50 - Such Photographic FTs" with Derek Sheen. 
• We featured a story about a man trying to get his gun back from his victims on Episode 44 - Buy Back Your Gun From Your Victims or Withdraw Money from the Bank You Just Tried to Rob? 

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SUBSCRIBE!

• Rate and Review us on iTunes (remember: ever positive rating for us - is a vote for freedom and judgement.)
• (Use any podcast service to subscribe - feed is here).  
• We're also on Stitcher Radio! 

GET MORE FT action! We post more morons and weird content on:

Twitter: @rantmehard 
Facebook: Facebook.com/sandmrants 

CONTACT/FIND US: 

Email: info @ rantmehard.com  (or shane@ or monica@ rantmehard.com )
Get our (coming eventually) newsletter https://tinyletter.com/monicahamburg for additional weirdness!    

Shane Birley: Shanesworld.ca (@ShaneBee on Twitter ) 
Monica Hamburg: YourDoseofLunacy.com (@MonicaHamburg on Twitter)

Voicemail line: via Skype: rantmehard Rant us! Good and hard!   

Tell your inappropriate friends about us: rantmehard.com.   
Our Google+ Page: gplus.to/sandmrants 

You can place your VOTE!
For your choice for "FT of the Week". (See poll below)  

(You are also welcome to comment about them on Twitter, Facebook, via email etc.) 

You really question your life when you find yourself envious of FTs... But these guys just have so much energy!  

They manage to commit several crimes in a very short period of time. And really bizarre, nonsensical ones at that.  Needless to say, the acts include nudity, theft, violence and feces.  No, wait - that did need to be said.

Caleb Bacon of "The Gentlemen's Club with Caleb Bacon" podcast brings his expertise to us as this week's Guest Judge.

But, who will he decide is the "FT of the Week"? 

Plus: Cure cancer the perverted fake doctor way! 

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---Information and Links ---

Guest 

• Find Caleb Bacon (Calebbacon.com) on Facebook (Facebook.com/calebbacon) and on Twitter (@CalebEatsBacon)
• The Gentlemen's Club is (GentlemensClubPodcast.com) and on Facebook (facebook.com/gentlemensclubpodcast and twitter (@gentlemens) 

Other Joy

• Stories: 11 felonies, Crash and Attack 
• And the new cancer cure.
• Thanks to Kevin Macleod at Incompetech.com for today’s outro theme (“Harlequin”).
•  I totally forgot who sent the story about Overachieveing FT #1. So sorry! Remind me and I will thank you next week.   
• Last week we learned about how to pick up gals while on the job... if you're a FT: Episode 48: "Look, If You're Going to Get All Irrational About My Junk" with Cort Webber and Fatboy "Bobby" Roberts of "Cort & Fatboy"

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SUBSCRIBE!

• Rate and Review us on iTunes (remember: if you don't review us well - the FTs win!.)
• (Use any podcast service to subscribe - feed is here).  
• We're also on Stitcher Radio! 

GET MORE FT action! We post more morons and weird content on:

Twitter: @rantmehard 
Facebook: Facebook.com/sandmrants 

CONTACT/FIND US:
Email: info @ rantmehard.com  (or shane@ or monica@ rantmehard.com )
Get our newsletter https://tinyletter.com/monicahamburg for additional weirdness!    

Shane Birley: Shanesworld.ca (@ShaneBee on Twitter ) 
Monica Hamburg: YourDoseofLunacy.com (@MonicaHamburg on Twitter)

Voicemail line: via Skype: rantmehard Rant us! Good and hard!   

Tell your inappropriate friends about us: rantmehard.com.   
Our Google+ Page: gplus.to/sandmrants 

You can place your VOTE!
For your choice for "FT of the Week". (See poll below)  

(You are also welcome to comment about them on Twitter, Facebook, via email etc.) 

How best to appear as though you've not committed a crime? 

Should you run shirtless through the woods and then say you were doing it for a wedding - or simply show up at your victim’s house wearing the very items you stole?

Absolutely! If you're a FT...

These contenders are so stunningly clueless – and we’re lucky to have actor and writer Brendan Bradley to decide our "FT of the Week”.

Plus: Math questions created by the brothers Grimm?

---Information and Links ---

Guest 

• Find Brendan Bradley: Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/brendanabradley), Twitter (@BrendanABradley), and at BrendanABradley.com.  Watch Brendan in Felicia Day/The Guild’s new video: "I'm the One That's Cool".  And check out his “Squadcast” podcast and webseries at SquattersTheSeries.com.     

Other Joy

• Stories: Woods, Clothing
• Trauma Math 
• Thanks for the Outro Music, "Mosquito", Mark Terry II and Jace Jope of RATNIKH (On YouTube )   
• We mention the questions we created for the online exam of cat beater - that was in Episode 40 - "FT Valentine. Deranged, Psycho Valentine" with the guys from Ear Candy (Adam Hiniker and Vance Barber). 
• Learn about how to make your finances and romantic life better - by robbing the gal who fancies you! On Episode 46 - "Can't Help Robbing That Girl of Mine" with Douglas Gale.  

• SUBSCRIBE!
• Rate and Review us on iTunes (remember: if you don't review us well - the FTs win!.)
• (Use any podcast service to subscribe - feed is here).  
• We're also on Stitcher Radio! 

GET MORE FT action! We post more morons and weird content on:

Twitter: @rantmehard 
Facebook: Facebook.com/sandmrants 

CONTACT/FIND US:
Email: info @ rantmehard.com  (or shane@ or monica@ rantmehard.com )
Get our newsletter https://tinyletter.com/monicahamburg for additional weirdness!    

Shane Birley: Shanesworld.ca (@ShaneBee on Twitter ) 
Monica Hamburg: YourDoseofLunacy.com (@MonicaHamburg on Twitter)

Voicemail line: via Skype: rantmehard Rant us! Good and hard!   

Tell your inappropriate friends about us: rantmehard.com.   
Our Google+ Page: gplus.to/sandmrants 

You can place your VOTE!
For your choice for "FT of the Week". (See poll below)  

(You are also welcome to comment about them on Twitter, Facebook, via email etc.) 

Forget all you've learnt about financial acquisition! Eschew investing in property! 

The key to wealth (or at least a few thousand bucks) is to pursue a woman and then, eventually, take her stuff.  

Sure, it takes some effort but a FT has no shortage of energy.  Just logic.  

Comedian Douglas Gale joins to provide his verdict on the "FT of the Week".

Plus: we learn about moons, growing...and... brides.

---Links and Info:---

Guests 

• Find Douglas Gale: Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/hyphen.dot), Twitter (@DouglasWFail) (& Etsy (ShowerArt.net)  

• Stories: Rob her house, Take her car   
• Moons, Growing, Brides   
• Outro Music: The Clemence Mosley Consort, From the album “MacGuffin”  (iTunes)
• And the Delicious Mediocrity show with Monica is Episode 84.   
• Want to learn some fascinating alibis? Check out Episode 45 - "The Best Defense is a Good... Lie About Yogurt or Ghosts" with Chris Laker.

• SUBSCRIBE!
• Rate and Review us on iTunes (remember: a positive review for us will mean you'll be safe from any potential FT invasion!  Well, we can't promise - but we'll try to help.)
• (Use any podcast service to subscribe - feed is here).  
• We're also on Stitcher Radio! 

GET MORE FTs! We post more weird content on:

Twitter: @rantmehard 
Facebook: Facebook.com/sandmrants 

CONTACT/FIND US:
Voicemail line: via Skype: rantmehard Rant us! Good and hard!  
Email: info @ rantmehard.com  (or shane@ or monica@ rantmehard.com )
Shane Birley: Shanesworld.ca (@ShaneBee on Twitter ) 
Monica Hamburg: YourDoseofLunacy.com (@MonicaHamburg on Twitter)  

Tell your inappropriate friends about us: rantmehard.com.   
Our Google+ Page: gplus.to/sandmrants 

You can place your VOTE!
For your choice for "FT of the Week". (See poll above)  
(You are also welcome to comment about them on Twitter, Facebook, via email etc.) 

If you kill (or try to kill) someone and don't want to cop to it, you could always go with the old-stand-by: "It wasn't me". But as we've learned, FTs are nothing if not creative.

Why not use your urge for dairy products as an alibi or blame a ghost for the crime! The possibilities for FT lies are infinite!

We are thrilled to have Comedian Chris Laker on the show to lend his expertise in deciding the "FT of the Week".

Plus: we have a guy who has mastered both chewing and oral sex...

Links and Info:

• Find Chris Laker: at ChrisLaker.com, on Twitter (@chrislaker), at Douchechillz.com and on The New York City Crime Report with Pat Dixon. 
• Stories: Yogurt, Ghost.  
• Deep and meaningful oral sex instructional.
• Thanks to Kevin Macleod at Incompetech.com for today’s outro theme (“Professor and the Plant”).
• Hear more FT creativity in action in: "Episode 37" Door-to-door Sexman vs. Maternity Wear Pickup Artist" with Monica's mom.
• Robbery is hard! Discover just how hard in "Episode 44 - Buy Back Your Gun From Your Victims or Withdraw Money from the Bank You Just Tried to Rob" with Dave Ross?
 

• SUBSCRIBE!
• Rate and Review us on iTunes (remember: e a positive review for us will mean you'll be fully protected from rabid vaginas when they inevitably attack!)
• (Use any podcast service to subscribe - feed is here).  
• We're also on Stitcher Radio! 

GET MORE FTs! We post more weird content on:

Twitter: @rantmehard 
Facebook: Facebook.com/sandmrants 

CONTACT/FIND US:
Voicemail line: via Skype: rantmehard Rant us! Good and hard!  
Email: info @ rantmehard.com  (or shane@ or monica@ rantmehard.com )
Shane Birley: Shanesworld.ca (@ShaneBee on Twitter ) 
Monica Hamburg: YourDoseofLunacy.com (@MonicaHamburg on Twitter)  

Tell your inappropriate friends about us: rantmehard.com.   
Our Google+ Page: gplus.to/sandmrants 

You can place your VOTE!
For your choice for "FT of the Week". (See poll above)  
(You are also welcome to comment about them on Twitter, Facebook, via email etc.) 

Update: Originally the feed picked up only the *ringtone* for this episode - it should have the full episode (33 minutes+) there now.

--Show Description:--

How shall you win your love back?  What plan will get her back in your arms forever? You can't say you've tried everything unless you've burned down her brother's property or staged beng kidnapped by a gang!

Tip: in the world of FTs you are awarded bonus points for originality and drama! 

We're excited to have Adam Hiniker and Vance Barber from the Ear Candy podcast as our Guest Judges for this episode, to analyse these specimens and determine our "FT of the Week".

Plus: A man fails his exam because of a cat. (Who hasn't been there...) 

And we have your new ringtone...  

• Follow Ear Candy  on Twitter (@earcandynewyork) and Facebook.  (Vance Barber's also on Twitter as @vancejbarber)
• There's more bad romance on Episode 29 "Better Relationships Through Arrests and the KKK!" with Alex Falcone and Ezra Fox of "Read it and Weep". 

• SUBSCRIBE!
• Rate and Review us on iTunes (remember: every positive review you give us makes us bolder and more powerful!)
• (Use any podcast service to subscribe - feed is here).  

We're on Stitcher Now: 

http://stitcher.com/listen.php?fid=19756 
So you can now listen anyway you darn well please! :)

GET MORE FTs! On:
Twitter: @rantmehard 
Facebook: Facebook.com/sandmrants 

CONTACT/FIND US:
Voicemail line: via Skype: rantmehard Rant us! Good and hard!  
Email: info @ rantmehard.com  (or shane@ or monica@ rantmehard.com )
Shane Birley: Shanesworld.ca (@ShaneBee on Twitter ) 
Monica Hamburg: YourDoseofLunacy.com (@MonicaHamburg on Twitter)  

Tell your inappropriate friends about us: rantmehard.com.   
Our Google+ Page: gplus.to/sandmrants 

You can place your VOTE!
For your choice for "FT of the Week". 
(You are also welcome to comment about them on Twitter, Facebook, via email etc.)

Women! They're so difficult to understand!  How can one possibly gage what seduction technique will work on them?  That's why it's important to confuse the ladies by having a completely unique approach.  This week's FTs redefine original.  One gives gals the choice of magazines or sex while another dresses in women's maternity gear to woo.  Foolproof!   

Monica desperately needs help to determine our "FT of Week" and so her mom returns to judge the FTness. 

And: we have some sexual hypnosis for you...   _____________________________________________________________________________________________________ 

• Related creeps you might like:  A man who went door-to-door checking breasts (Episode 27 - "Doctor Fondler and the Facebook Oral Prankster!" with Jackie Gold)) and a guy who tried to seduce kids - in his own apartment building (Episode 24 -"Get Oiled, Get Licked, Get Arrested, Get Shot Up the A!" with Brian Brushwood)    
• And we refer to our Eastern European porn proposal which is in Episode 34 "What's the answer? Get Naked! What's the question? Who cares!" 

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MORE INSANITY:
Twitter: @rantmehard 
Facebook: Facebook.com/sandmrants 

CONTACT/FIND US:
Voicemail line: via Skype: rantmehard Rant us! Good and hard!  
Email: info @ rantmehard.com  (or shane@ or monica@ rantmehard.com )
Shane Birley: Shanesworld.ca (@ShaneBee on Twitter ) 
Monica Hamburg: YourDoseofLunacy.com (@MonicaHamburg on Twitter)  

Tell your inappropriate friends about us: rantmehard.com.   
Our Google+ Page: gplus.to/sandmrants 

So, you've been to jail.  That's pretty FTed in itself, but maybe you learned from the experience.  You're going to clean up your act, stay out of the slammer for the rest of your life.  Or you could commit a crime.  As soon as you get released. Right in the jail parking lot.  That's cool too... 

Vying for the title of "FT of the Week" we have a man who urinated and stole a car as he left the prison - and another guy who beat up his girlfriend, who had come to pick him up.   

We so desperately need help....  And we're grateful to have the wisdom of our awesome Guest Judge, Matt Koff who assists in sorting out the FTness. 

And we have another instance of condiment fury...  _____________________________________ 

• Matt Koff is also on Twitter (@matt_koff)  
• Haven't heard last week's episode (#35)? It has a special woman incensed over her a condiment slight...    
• I refer to two of my favorite podcasts in this episode, Distorted View and The New York City Crime Report with Pat Dixon (@nyccrimereport)
   

MORE INSANITY:
Twitter: @rantmehard 
Facebook: Facebook.com/sandmrants 

CONTACT/FIND US:
Voicemail line: via Skype: rantmehard Rant us! Good and hard!  
Email: info @ rantmehard.com  (or shane@ or monica@ rantmehard.com )
Shane Birley: Shanesworld.ca (@ShaneBee on Twitter ) 
Monica Hamburg: YourDoseofLunacy.com (@MonicaHamburg on Twitter)  

Tell your inappropriate friends about us: rantmehard.com.   
Our Google+ Page: gplus.to/sandmrants 

Monica: Oh, joy. iTunes just pulled our podcast due to profanity in titles and descriptions. So... I'm updating our titles, links, and descriptions. Not sure how speedily iTunes will get it back up again. We'll keep you posted. Cheers. 

Update: Shane:  There are other ways to subscribe to our podcast too. The main feed is here and you can use it to subscribe via other services such as:

• Castroller,
• Google Reader,
• gPodder,
• Miro,
• Bloglines,
• Podcast Ready,
• Podcast Pickle,
• Podfeeder,
• Juice,
• etc.

And, if you are so inclinded, you can get our podcast via e-mail notification! How awesome is that? Yes, we know you want MORE e-mail in your inbox. But, hey, we're the S&M Rants and you know you want it...

Update (December 6, 2011):  Monica:  And we're back up on iTunes ( bit.ly/rantsonitunes ).

I have to say: 1) I'm not entirely sure why a podcast that we clearly labelled "Explicit" can't have profanity in the titles and descriptions. 2) I didn't love spending most of yesterday "cleaning" up our site and links.  3) I thought "Sodomites" in one of the titles would clear fine - given that it's also a word in the Bible... But that was censored once they put it back up.  I'm not trying to be cute when I say that it'd be great to have a list of words considered profane by iTunes since everyone's evaluation on this differs.

That said, they were responsive to my emails and quick to reply.  And they got our feed evaluated and reinstated within hours of my notifying them that it was clean  (even though they noted that it might take a day or two to get it back up).  So, I'm cool with iTunes for now.  But I will certainly be promoting our feed and other services over just using iTunes.  

When you want relationship advice, all you get is the usual counsel: respect, listening, communication. Lame! Take a page from the FT handbook: Sex is never better than while under arrest and handcuffed in the back of a cop car - and the key to a long-lasting marriage is faking a hate crime! Think we can pick which of these actions are more FTed? You know we can’t! That’s why we have the awesome guys here from “Read it and Weep”, Alex Falcone and Ezra Fox to judge the brutal stupidity.  Also, a very enticing lady makes an offer you have to refuse.  Even if it kills you.

Oh Monica has a cough. You just might notice it.  

Vote for your "favorite" FT(s) from this episode! (below) 

Subscribe on iTunes (rate us!) and please tell your inappropriate friends about us. Our site is now: rantmehard.com

Twitter: @rantmehard / Facebook: Facebook.com/sandmrants / New Google+ Page: gplus.to/sandmrants  / Voicemail line: via Skype: rantmehard Rant us! Good and hard!  / Email: monica@rantmehard.com / Shane: Shanesworld.ca (@ShaneBee on Twitter ) / Monica: YourDoseofLunacy.com (@MonicaHamburg on Twitter)