The S&M Rants

Planning a crime is challenging - and sometimes it's the small details that trip you up. Or the huge, really glaring details...

This time around we have FTed criminals caught by special photos... 

Comedian Derek Sheen is this week's Guest Judge and we're so grateful he's able to decide our "FT of the Week"!

And, since it's our 50th episode we've made it longer (and harder) with: a wonderful voicemail, a licky cop and learning to whisper to a woman's intimate parts. Plus: another awesome song from "The Weekend Pilots" (TheWeekendPilots.com)!

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---Information and Links ---

Guest 

• Find Derek Sheen at  DerekTime.com, contribute to his Kickstarter Campaign to fund his new album "Holy Drivel" , on Facebook (Facebook.com/dereksheen), and on Twitter (@DerekSheen) 
• The Weekend Pilots are at ( TheWeekendPilots.com) and on Twitter (@weekendpilots) and Facebook (Facebook.com/theweekendpilots ).  Download their self-titled album for free from their site.   

Other Joy

• Stories: Fake stroke, steal car and Framed photo  
• And: licky cop
• Thanks to Kevin Macleod at Incompetech.com for today’s outro theme (“Chee Zee Jungle”). 
• Last week we featured some uber-ambitious FTs: on Episode 49 - "Choke, Rattle and Roll" with Caleb Bacon 

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SUBSCRIBE!

• Rate and Review us on iTunes (remember: ever positive rating for us - is a vote for freedom and judgement.)
• (Use any podcast service to subscribe - feed is here).  
• We're also on Stitcher Radio! 

GET MORE FT action! We post more morons and weird content on:

Twitter: @rantmehard 
Facebook: Facebook.com/sandmrants 

CONTACT/FIND US: 

Email: info @ rantmehard.com  (or shane@ or monica@ rantmehard.com )
Get our (coming eventually) newsletter https://tinyletter.com/monicahamburg for additional weirdness!    

Shane Birley: Shanesworld.ca (@ShaneBee on Twitter ) 
Monica Hamburg: YourDoseofLunacy.com (@MonicaHamburg on Twitter)

Voicemail line: via Skype: rantmehard Rant us! Good and hard!   

Tell your inappropriate friends about us: rantmehard.com.   
Our Google+ Page: gplus.to/sandmrants 

You can place your VOTE!
For your choice for "FT of the Week". (See poll below)  

(You are also welcome to comment about them on Twitter, Facebook, via email etc.) 

(Note: Another unusual episode.  We usually have a Guest Judge deciding on our weirdos.  So, if you're listening for the first time, try starting with Episode 34, 29 or 35.)

Knife people for not wanting to see your boobs or get your elementary students to make cards for your jailbird boyfriend?  Sure, no one's killed or kidnapped or set fire to anything this time, but our contenders are still complete FTs nonetheless. 

Not the standard show today as our intended guest got sick and we must bear the burden of deciding the "FT of the week" ourselves.  

Plus:

• An Aussie man improvs a lady-focussed "erotic" fantasy
• (After our outro:) A man pleads for sex.  But not in the conventional way.  
• And draw your own perverted conclusions re: the new StumbleUpon logo. 

• Monica was on Delicious Mediocrity recently.  Listen to the episode here.
• Want balance? There are men doing stupid stuff in our last episode "My FT Valentine. Deranged, Psycho Valentine" with the guys from Ear Candy (Adam Hiniker and Vance Barber).   

• SUBSCRIBE!
• Rate and Review us on iTunes (remember: every positive review you give us makes us bolder and more powerful!)
• (Use any podcast service to subscribe - feed is here).  

We're on Stitcher Now: 

http://stitcher.com/listen.php?fid=19756 
So you can now listen anyway you darn well please! :)

GET MORE FTs! On:
Twitter: @rantmehard 
Facebook: Facebook.com/sandmrants 

CONTACT/FIND US:
Voicemail line: via Skype: rantmehard Rant us! Good and hard!  
Email: info @ rantmehard.com  (or shane@ or monica@ rantmehard.com )
Shane Birley: Shanesworld.ca (@ShaneBee on Twitter ) 
Monica Hamburg: YourDoseofLunacy.com (@MonicaHamburg on Twitter)  

Tell your inappropriate friends about us: rantmehard.com.   
Our Google+ Page: gplus.to/sandmrants 

You can place your VOTE!
For your choice for "FT of the Week". 
(You are also welcome to comment about them on Twitter, Facebook, via email etc.)

(A quick disclaimer here: I had to do a pretty quick edit on this episode due to time-constaints - so if it's your first time listening to the podcast, try starting with, say, Episode 34, 29 or 35.)

Stab yourself repeatedly over a customer service incident? Or concoct a murder-for-money scheme that involved electrocuting a cat? If you can't envision yourself doing either, then you're bound to be as completely baffled by our competitors and their plans as we are...  

And, so, to determine our "FT of the Week", we are grateful to have Bruce M Campbell who returns to lend his brilliance and wit to the show as our Guest Judge.

Plus: we have an erotic story that is neither erotic nor a story.  What it is, however, is completely WTF?! 

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• Follow Bruce Campbell on Twitter and Facebook. 
• Some other bad plans you might enjoy:  A woman who faked her rape to move to a better neighborhood (Episode 31 with Jay Larson and "The Lurker") and a man who had some unique ideas (like framing a bear) for how to murder his girlfriend (Episode 28 with Eric Fell).   

GET MORE FTs! On:
Twitter: @rantmehard 
Facebook: Facebook.com/sandmrants 

CONTACT/FIND US:
Voicemail line: via Skype: rantmehard Rant us! Good and hard!  
Email: info @ rantmehard.com  (or shane@ or monica@ rantmehard.com )
Shane Birley: Shanesworld.ca (@ShaneBee on Twitter ) 
Monica Hamburg: YourDoseofLunacy.com (@MonicaHamburg on Twitter)  

Tell your inappropriate friends about us: rantmehard.com.   
Our Google+ Page: gplus.to/sandmrants 

You can place your VOTE!
For your choice for "FT of the Week". 
(You are also welcome to comment about them on Twitter, Facebook, via email etc.) 

Women! They're so difficult to understand!  How can one possibly gage what seduction technique will work on them?  That's why it's important to confuse the ladies by having a completely unique approach.  This week's FTs redefine original.  One gives gals the choice of magazines or sex while another dresses in women's maternity gear to woo.  Foolproof!   

Monica desperately needs help to determine our "FT of Week" and so her mom returns to judge the FTness. 

And: we have some sexual hypnosis for you...   _____________________________________________________________________________________________________ 

• Related creeps you might like:  A man who went door-to-door checking breasts (Episode 27 - "Doctor Fondler and the Facebook Oral Prankster!" with Jackie Gold)) and a guy who tried to seduce kids - in his own apartment building (Episode 24 -"Get Oiled, Get Licked, Get Arrested, Get Shot Up the A!" with Brian Brushwood)    
• And we refer to our Eastern European porn proposal which is in Episode 34 "What's the answer? Get Naked! What's the question? Who cares!" 

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MORE INSANITY:
Twitter: @rantmehard 
Facebook: Facebook.com/sandmrants 

CONTACT/FIND US:
Voicemail line: via Skype: rantmehard Rant us! Good and hard!  
Email: info @ rantmehard.com  (or shane@ or monica@ rantmehard.com )
Shane Birley: Shanesworld.ca (@ShaneBee on Twitter ) 
Monica Hamburg: YourDoseofLunacy.com (@MonicaHamburg on Twitter)  

Tell your inappropriate friends about us: rantmehard.com.   
Our Google+ Page: gplus.to/sandmrants 

So, you've been to jail.  That's pretty FTed in itself, but maybe you learned from the experience.  You're going to clean up your act, stay out of the slammer for the rest of your life.  Or you could commit a crime.  As soon as you get released. Right in the jail parking lot.  That's cool too... 

Vying for the title of "FT of the Week" we have a man who urinated and stole a car as he left the prison - and another guy who beat up his girlfriend, who had come to pick him up.   

We so desperately need help....  And we're grateful to have the wisdom of our awesome Guest Judge, Matt Koff who assists in sorting out the FTness. 

And we have another instance of condiment fury...  _____________________________________ 

• Matt Koff is also on Twitter (@matt_koff)  
• Haven't heard last week's episode (#35)? It has a special woman incensed over her a condiment slight...    
• I refer to two of my favorite podcasts in this episode, Distorted View and The New York City Crime Report with Pat Dixon (@nyccrimereport)
   

MORE INSANITY:
Twitter: @rantmehard 
Facebook: Facebook.com/sandmrants 

CONTACT/FIND US:
Voicemail line: via Skype: rantmehard Rant us! Good and hard!  
Email: info @ rantmehard.com  (or shane@ or monica@ rantmehard.com )
Shane Birley: Shanesworld.ca (@ShaneBee on Twitter ) 
Monica Hamburg: YourDoseofLunacy.com (@MonicaHamburg on Twitter)  

Tell your inappropriate friends about us: rantmehard.com.   
Our Google+ Page: gplus.to/sandmrants 

So you killed someone with your car or are shacked up with a 13 year old...  You need to keep this secret in the bag.  But sometimes circumstances just don't allow for that.  Especially when you're an FT.  

Lovely Guest Judge & Comedian Riel Hahn joins us to met out justice this time and help us crown the most recent "FT of the Week".  (Find Riel on Facebook, Twitter and her blog.) 

And: we tell you who you chose as last week's "FT of the Week".  Plus: a very linear blog comment... 

When you want relationship advice, all you get is the usual counsel: respect, listening, communication. Lame! Take a page from the FT handbook: Sex is never better than while under arrest and handcuffed in the back of a cop car - and the key to a long-lasting marriage is faking a hate crime! Think we can pick which of these actions are more FTed? You know we can’t! That’s why we have the awesome guys here from “Read it and Weep”, Alex Falcone and Ezra Fox to judge the brutal stupidity.  Also, a very enticing lady makes an offer you have to refuse.  Even if it kills you.

Oh Monica has a cough. You just might notice it.  

Vote for your "favorite" FT(s) from this episode! (below) 

Subscribe on iTunes (rate us!) and please tell your inappropriate friends about us. Our site is now: rantmehard.com

Twitter: @rantmehard / Facebook: Facebook.com/sandmrants / New Google+ Page: gplus.to/sandmrants  / Voicemail line: via Skype: rantmehard Rant us! Good and hard!  / Email: monica@rantmehard.com / Shane: Shanesworld.ca (@ShaneBee on Twitter ) / Monica: YourDoseofLunacy.com (@MonicaHamburg on Twitter)  

If at first you don’t succeed - hurt some people! This week’s FTs decide to get revenge for a lack of smokes and meat. Can you blame them?! A man without a smoke is but half a man! And the man with less meat is... well, that’s pretty self-explanatory. But who is more FTed? It’s like Sophie’s Choice in here! Thankfully, our Guest Judges, Greg Vance and Ryan Downing from Stupid Wankers return for another episode to help us out with the FT conundrum - and save us from an audio mishap. And we play you a deep, soothing lullaby.

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Please: Subscribe.
And rate/review us on iTunes  - tell people we don't suck. 
(You can use any podcast service to subscribe - feed is here). 

Tell your inappropriate friends about us: rantmehard.com.  

Twitter: @rantmehard 
Facebook: Facebook.com/sandmrants 
Voicemail line: via Skype: rantmehard Rant us! Good and hard!  
Email: info @ rantmehard.com (or shane@ or monica@ rantmehard.com )

Shane Birley: Shanesworld.ca - @ShaneBee on Twitter 

Monica Hamburg: YourDoseofLunacy.com - @MonicaHamburg on Twitter

You have no one to blame for your own stupidity - except the Internet!

And, hey, look! It's the Lolcats font.  Dangerous 'companionship' has never been more uproarious.